how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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