Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
