what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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