hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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