Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
