Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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