It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
you didnt know i had herpes?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
