nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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