She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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