My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
