I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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