I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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