that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
