That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
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I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
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They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
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