While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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