That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
