She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
