I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Hippo gnu deer
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
