He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
