I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
