i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
