Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
