oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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