I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My life is pants optional.