im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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