Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
