OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
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im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
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New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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