You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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