We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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