I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
