So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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