I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
