I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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