I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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