I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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