Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
