It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Is that strawberry winking at me??
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
