I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
4 words: hood of his car
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
