I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
