i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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