Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
