I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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