i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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