I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Ketchup is God's man juice
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
