apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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