I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I wish I only lived at night.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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