I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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