Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
