God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
