I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
