Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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