Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
