So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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