Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
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