I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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