Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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