R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
