dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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