i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
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I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
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Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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